'Big Race' Update

Due to post-Olympic bullshit, yesterday’s race between Alex “Super Space Cheetah” Robertson and John “Steam Engine” Currie has been postponed until crews finish dismantling the Richmond Ozone at Minoru. 

As it stands, Friday, March.12 is race day.

Similarly, as it draws near, both competitors are undoubtedly feeling the pressure mount—quite possibly, one more than the other.

Its been rumored that Super Space Cheetah has been listening to nothing but “Jesus Walks,” by Kanye West for the last five days.

“I’m going to crush John’s dreams like I crush pussy,” said Super Space Cheetah when asked about his strategy.

At this point, however, Steam Engine is vehemently refusing to acknowledge any of the attention whatsoever the ‘big race’ is receiving on Facebook and around the world. 

When asked why he’s so stubborn, Steam Engine replied, “I’m not stubborn, I just want to get this race over with.”

Sources indicate, however, that Steam Engine has been training vigorously for the upcoming dash, as it is going to be, without question, the most defining moment of his entire life.  

The Big Race

What happens when two former elementary school track stars grow up and start playing macho head games with each other?

That’s right. They settle it the only way any conflict should ever be settled: in a 100m freestyle foot race.

The challenger, Alex “Super Space Cheetah” Robertson, 23, shocked the world at a track meet over 15 years ago with his lightening fast starts and disregard for appropriate footwear. He hasn’t run since.

“I’ve crunched the numbers and mathematically there’s no way I can lose,” said Super Space Cheetah.

John “Steam Engine” Currie, crashed into the podium with four 1^st Place ribbons at a Swangard track meet at the age of 11. He’s now 23.

“John’s the fastest slow kid I’ve ever seen,” said Jamaican sprinter and Olympic gold medalist Usain Bolt.

The race is scheduled for Friday afternoon, March 5: Minoru Track in Richmond.

There can only be one winner.