I was reading “Vice’s Guide to Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll,” and this is what happened.
I’m not going to review a piece of journalism. Instead, in an unhinged act of defiance, I’m going to create my own piece of journalism.
Something that isn’t true
What’s more tortuous than writing, asides from shaving your own eyebrows or getting a blowjob from a girl with braces? How about trying to come up with original ideas. When I was younger, and just slightly more flippant towards the world, I realized that originality meant being sort of weird and outside yourself. I became my own deranged experiment in an attempt to intellectualize the absurdities of real life and fantasy.
Unfortunately for most people, there’s no originality in being totally unoriginal. On the other hand, being too original comes off as desperate and obvious. So ideally, you want to fall somewhere in between mediocre and semi-unoriginal, which is basically the stylish personification of not giving a @#$%.
A + B = I have no idea
Am I out of touch with the normal world? I’m a spiraling optimist with no sense of direction. Instant gratification is the tragic rhapsody of my life; therefore, I'm usually drunk. I read in a self-help book on how to be smart, that the inability to foresee the potential consequences of a normal act or decision is a result of the brain’s underdevelopment, which, evidently, is permanent after you hit a certain age. Do you know what that means? That some of us are doomed to a life of lost jobs, messy break-ups, miscalculations and parking tickets.
Don’t listen to me?
How do you "find yourself?" Do you backpack around Europe for 3 months and spend every last penny you have? Do you go to Thailand and get completely wasted every night and hook up with the world’s finest transients? I'm not sure. Either way, self-revelation can require an extreme journey across the unfamiliar landscape of staunch experimentation. Whether it’s sex, drugs, music or school, nothing works better for me than mixing it up; routines are for stand-up comics and traffic cops.
Next time: all-nighters and one-night stands
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